Thursday, 19 June 2014

New games, additional play partner

Yesterday I wrote my first post about Andrew, and I told him about it through a message. When he was on-line later, he read it and we talked about it.

We also talked about Luke: Andrew likes the fact that Luke's so much younger than I am (Andrew and I are about the same age), and he believes it's further prove of my sluttiness. I think he also enjoys I'm slightly embarrassed about the age difference.

At some point, I forget why, he says that he'll have Luke beat my ass and tits black and blue if I don't change my attitude. I answered him that Luke does that anyway, so he asks me if Luke also beats and bruises my pussy. When I say no, he threatens to have Luke do just that. I found it very funny. After all: they're nowhere near, don't know each other, and I have done nothing, ever, to deserve this. I love guys with a good sense of humour!

More chatting, more him calling me slut, me telling him it turns me on and that I'm about to cum. So he tells me I need his permission to cum. OK, orgasm control and denial: when, where and how did I agree to that? Never, nowhere, no way, is the answer. But if he likes it, why not play along? So I do. And let's be honest: I knew that we were going in this direction anyway, so it wasn't a surprise, really.

We stop chatting when the family comes home and I need to take care of dinner.

After dinner it's game night again, so before I leave I text Andrew, to let him know I'll send another text when I get home again. I immediately get told off, because I hadn't included a "respectful Sir", so I resend my first text, adding Sir.
I go to the game night, we play, Luke drops me off again and in the car we chat. I tell him about Andrew threatening to have Luke beat me, Luke laughs, I laugh, all good. He then starts a cautionary tale about on-line Doms who pray on naive subs. Isn't it wonderful how he looks out for me? I don't think it is that he doesn't trust Andrew, but he does think I'm too trusting.
We got home, Luke torments my nipple for a bit, I go in and text Andrew. I then go upstairs, very horny still. While I get ready for bed we text.
Andrew wants to know if I saw Luke that night and what we talked about. I tell him we were talking about him beating me on Andrew's orders and how that amused Luke. I also said that Luke worries about me.

Andrew likes that Luke's near enough to me to tend to my physical and mental needs, which I think is a very sweet thing to say.
I ask him if I'm also on orgasm denial when Luke wants to fuck me, and he tells me no. Luke can fuck me whenever he wants, but I'm not to ask for it. Since this is our dynamic anyway, there's no problem here. There would have been a problem had the answer been different, because I can't/won't just change things between Luke and me on Andrew's orders.

And all the while my need for release keeps growing. By the time he finally calls me, I'm just about ready to climb the walls.
Not that he's in a hurry, oh no. He just keeps on teasing me. He orders me to touch myself, wants to know how wet I am, listens to me moan and keeps denying me. I beg him, I call myself his slut, I offer myself to him again and again, and he still won't let me come. I tried to not be too loud, so I could still hear his voice, and got told off that I didn't moan any more. It was hell, it was heaven, it was so frustrating. I have no idea how long it took, or how much I begged him, until he finally started to count down and I came. I came hard, and long, shuddering, sweating, moaning, again and again.

Next time I need to make sure I have a glass of water waiting: all that moaning and begging gives me a dry mouth.

Afterwards Andrew told me to ask Luke to contact him. I did so this morning.

I so want to know what they'll be discussing, but I'll have to wait and find out in due time. After all, even though the talk will be about me, all decisions will be theirs, not mine. But I'm willing to bet that there will be talk about Luke punishing me in Andrew's name, and I don't know what I think about that yet.

The games sadists play

So, let's talk some more about Luke.

Luke is a self-professed sadist, and I'm not contradicting that, at all. We have played a couple of times, and it's all about and for him: he wants to hurt me and see the evidence. He marks me and laughs at me as I cry, and then he marks me some more. He just loves to see me cry, which I do every time.

And yet, when I'm dancing to cope with the pain, when I need a breather, he's there: he holds me, hugs me, rubs the sore spots, helps me through it, encourages me to go on, and starts hitting me again. He also tells me to curse and shout, to do whatever helps me cope. So I shout "Fuck!" a lot, and sometimes I tell him how he's not a nice guy, he grins and carries on, happy he's got to me.

Afterwards he fucks me. We don't make love, we don't have sex: he fucks me, and since he prefers anal, it's never in my vagina. He tells me the lube is just to prevent the condom breaking, and not for me, he doesn't care whether or not it hurts me. He stops when he cums, I never cum, but then it's about him, not about me. And I don't care! I love every moment of it, I crave it as much as he does, I want it, and I don't need an orgasm, all I need is the feeling of being taken, and I love feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks as I cry out. The orgasms come later, usually when I'm sitting behind the computer, thinking back, nursing my new bruises. Then I cum, without even touching myself: one, two, three times.

He used a riding crop on my breasts the other day. A couple of days later, while I was still black and blue and hurting, he was giving me a lift to friends for a game night. In the car he pinched and twisted my nipples so hard I came up from the seat, fighting to cope with the pain. And when we arrived, before we got out, he did it again. Now there were tears of pain, so I needed a couple of minutes before I could get out of the car. When we were inside, he bumped me a couple of times, when nobody saw it, just to try and get a reaction out of me.
Last night, at the end of our game night, he gave me a lift home as always. He asked me about my breasts, I told him they were almost back to normal, apart from some bruising around my nipple, he said: "Gross!" That didn't stop him pinching and twisting some more before I got out of the car though. I held onto him, moaning, almost screaming, fighting not to bite him. He laughed.

We message back and forth in FetLife. We talk about our day, the games we play together in public, the games we play in private, other people: we talk about whatever comes up. And while we're talking, there are the questions he sneaks in. Questions that have made me agree to only getting anal sex from him, and to have him fuck me anytime he wants, and not because I want it (as well). Essentially, we're going down the route to CNC (Consensual Non-Consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a safe word or other restrictions, and to common sense, consent to activities is given without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned), so I don't have any input into what happens or when, I can't refuse, all I can do is safe word.
This is terrifying and hot and an exercise in trust.
He asked me: "Do you give me permission to take what I want?"
And I answered him: "Damn, you always sneak in these kind of questions. In a way, I think I already have done that: I don't think I've ever told you No. I guess what it comes down to now is: do I trust you enough to believe you won't go too far, that you will stop when I need you to, that you will take care of me even when it seems to be all about you? Then the answer must be: Yes."
And there we are, I've given him permission.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

I used to be a nice girl!

Once upon a time I used to follow the rules, be well behaved, do as I was expected to, be friendly, polite, helpful, loving, accommodating, put the need of others above my own, conform: I used to be a nice girl! Used to be.
Yes, I know, people don't really change, and I haven't really changed either, but I have turned into a slut.

As I type this, it makes me laugh, and it makes me blush as well. I never saw myself as a slut, I've been a serial monogamist all my life, I was faithful to my husband and sex was always private.

So what happened? It's not just that I've started exploring my kink, after all sex wasn't originally a part of it, but my boundaries are definitely shifting.
About a week ago, 2 men messaged me on FetLife, concerning things I'd posted. 2 different men, talking about 2 different posts, nothing weird about it. Neither gave me creep vibes, they both are intelligent, funny and like SF, so all made of win, and after some messaging back and forth I added them as friends. The person from the States is someone I'm just friendly with, we chat a bit every now and then and that's about it. The person from New Zealand on the other hand ... A name, I need a name for him: Andrew will do.

Andrew commented on some pictures I'd posted. We're talking boobs here, red, black and blue from a riding crop (ouch!). People seem to like those pictures, I got a lot of *likes*. Anyway, Andrew made very clear he'd love to get his hands (amongst other things) on my breasts, and buttocks, and indeed the rest of me. So what do I do? I retreated, after telling him off blushingly. Yeah, as if: I started flirting back.

I got invited to a play party, but it was very short notice and also a considerable distance from here, so I had to decline. Now I was thinking "What's the hurry here?", but I still get no creep vibes and I don't believe he wants me to come over because he can't get any other play partners. On the contrary, it feels like he can get all the action he wants and then some, and for some reason he's very interested in me.

So you all want to know about the slutty part?
Within days we had cyber sex. In a week after meeting on-line we had phone sex. We Skyped, just to see each others face. We're planning to meet and play in RL fairly soon. We know each others' real name and relationship status.
There has been no talk about exclusivity, but there are thoughts about ramping it all up a bit. Andrew is a Dom when he's talking with me, and he's interested in finding out what happens if I submit to him. (What is it with me and Doms? Do I attract them, or are they just likely to contact me?) All this and his first message to me was only 10 days ago.

And do you know what makes me feel even sluttier?
Not only do Luke and Andrew know about each other, they encourage me as well. I tell them what's happening and I often chat to both of them at once. And more than that: I don't feel ashamed about it!