All my life I've had an inkling that I might be masochistic and submissive, even before I knew those words. I also knew these feelings weren't "normal", so I hid them far, far away, where even I had problems finding them.
Then I met this amazing guy: smart, funny, kind, loving, generous. He fell in love with me, I loved him back, we got married, raised a family, were each others' friend, lover, spouse, co-parent. I gave him all of me, except the "abnormal" part, there was no place for that in our marriage. But that didn't matter, I could easily live without that, forget it even was there. But everything else was his, I was his body and soul. I told him so and I thought I showed it as well. We were happy, so happy it hurt. Although he accepted all I gave him, he didn't seem to realise how totally I was his, but that didn't really matter either.
And then his love stopped. I still don't know what happened, according to him nothing had changed, but he stopped telling and showing me he loved me. No more love, no more appreciation, no more sex. But I still loved him, I still wanted him, I was still his, only his, totally his. He just didn't want that anymore. When I finally got that, I could move on.
Our relationship ended, I started to explore my kinky side and found out I love it! Well, I love the masochism, not so much the submissive part.
I've never had a long(er) term BDSM relationship. The first one was for a limited period only, under strict terms. The second one can hardly be called a relationship: we met at play nights, played together twice, had fun together, but nothing personal developed between us.
My first play partner was a Dom I've known for years, he's a dear friend of mine and I love and trust him. He wanted me to submit, I thought I'd enjoy it, so I agreed wholeheartedly. I found out that I didn't mind the kneeling, not speaking until spoken to, following orders, doing domestic chores etcetera, but that I also did not enjoy it in the least. It was something I did because it pleased him, not because it pleased me.
I also discovered that I don't like mind games. I think that's the fault of my analytical mind, at least partly. The mind games start and I go: "Hm, I wonder what's that for. Oh, hold on, he wants me to feel ... OK, that makes sense. So my best reaction would be ... Yes, that seems to have made him happy: success!" All in all not conducive to submission. Cooperation Yes, submission No.
Partner number two liked me to submit as well, but he met with even less success. During play I would follow his orders, move how he wanted me to move, allow him to tie me up, but that was about it. After play I did kneel when he wanted me to, but that was the extent of my submission. I couldn't even call him Sir, because I didn't feel we had that kind of relationship. I didn't see him as my Dom, not even during play.
My present play partner has Dom tendencies as well, and he seems to enjoy mind games too. Since we only will be playing together and not pursuing a more serious relationship, we agreed to keep it strictly SM, without the D/s elements, and that suits me fine.
For the moment, I've decided to not try submission. It doesn't do it for me, at all, but it still attracts me.
Does that mean I am a closet submissive, who hasn't found the Dom yet that's right for her? Or do I really believe that being a masochist also means I need to have a submissive side as well? Or have I been burnt in the past, by offering myself up and having that thrown back into my face, so that I'm now afraid to show my submissive self?
I don't know. Do you?